Did I Kill Herman Mildew? No. Do I Think Whoever Did Should Get an Award? Yes

To tell you the truth, I'm glad that Herman Mildew is dead.  I think the person that did it should get an award.  I’ve heard just about a million rumors of how he died, most of them were typical murder stuff:  house fire, drive by, mugged.  And some of them were really weird, like someone had said that he got a paper cut and bled out.  I mean, come on, who does that?  But don't get me wrong:  I did NOT kill Herman Mildew.

Mildew was a cruel man; I should have listened to what everyone else was saying about him.  When I was looking for an editor, everyone was telling me to not even give him a second thought.  But, stupid me, I thought "what the heck," and went to meet the guy.  He seemed decent enough, I could handle his paranoia and loud and obnoxious ways, but there was one thing I couldn't stand.

He hated small furry animals, AND he was cruel to them.  What is up with that?  Mice and rats I can understand, most people don't like them, but to hate and be cruel to every single small animal is completely insane in my opinion.

Now, if you can’t already tell, I love animals.  I have a ton of them:  cats, dogs, guinea pigs, geckos, birds, you name it, there’s a good chance that I have at least one.

Had I seen him earlier that day?  Yeah I did.  I told you he was my editor didn’t I?  The day he died was the day that I told him he wasn’t my editor anymore.  Heck, maybe he was so depressed about me leaving that he decided to commit suicide and you guys have it all wrong.  But, then again, he doesn’t seem like the suicidal kind of guy either.

Where was I the rest of the day?  Well, after I left his office, I had lunch with one of my friends, I went to the pet store to pick up some stuff – and no, it was not another animal, it was just food and toys – and then I went home for the rest of the day.  I wrote for the rest of the day, played with the animals, and went to bed.  The next morning, I wake up and BAM!  I found out that the pessimistic, vulgar, tub of lard was dead.

Why do I hate him so much?  Hey, hey, wait a minute.  Hate is a very strong word.  I prefer to think of it as a very strong dislike for Mr. Herman Mildew.  And the reason for that, honestly if you can’t figure it out by now then I guess you aren’t that great at picking up small details, now are you?

It’s amazing really.  Some writers and I had a bet.  The bet was to see how long it would take for someone to fly off the handle and kill Mildew.  Most of the other writers were saying within a year or two he’d be gone.  Not me.  I told them “give it ‘til Christmas.”  I guess I win that bet.